Today, I worshipped at the Church of the Silver Cycle in I don’t know how long. It was a short, but intense service and at the end, I napped for two hours (after eating just about everything in the house). The best part is that yesterday, after a year of dropping into one of the most expensive bicycle shops in the city to poke around their odds bin, I found toe clips that would work on my pedals. I have an older cycle and it has just been a chore to find pedals, clips or the time and dollars to change them out. There are places in the city that will do the work for free and provide the pedals etc., but their hours make them unavailable to me – but there, there in the bottom of the bin was a set marked down to $2. My kind of price.
But it was good to be back on the road again, even if it was 48 with a 15-40mph wind. I felt sweaty, cold, hot, hungry and happy. Now I just have to shift my schedule because being back on the bike frees up more time for me – which I am guarding viciously. My schedule is tight and full right now and any open time I am claiming for myself.
Saturday was madness with the kneesnappers. I don’t know if there was something in the air or what but everywhere I went, the under 12 set was acting like they had gotten a different set of rules for the day. Sunday was equally odd but good. It was, however, the throwing out of 6 large trash bags of “stuff” that made it amazing.
My Zen teacher has me going through my things and getting rid of everything that has nothing to do with the life I am living. In my head I thought I knew of the few things that involved. But the reality is that for someone who owns nothing to begin with, I am surrounded by of dead lives. Not even ghosts, but things that have been and are no more. Yet I have carried them, cared for them, made choices based upon their presence in my life, worried about their well-being and felt the weight of their demands in the resentments I have carried around deep in my soul.
The simple act of just throwing them out has proven to be uniquely freeing. I have far to go because you cannot throw out all that is no more as simply as you can a few material items that no longer have a place in your life. You have to learn how to live without them.
And that is a new place. A place without the familiarity and comfort of the past. And frankly, it is a place I am finding that I would rather be. The past was a wondrous mixture of things that I have learned from, but the past has no bearing on the present and future. It is like GO, the day after you play a game it no longer matters whether you won or lost the game yesterday – of what importance is that? All that matters is how you play today and today’s game will always be different from the one played before and the one played after. Even the things you learn while you play may not apply.
After all, just because you have learned something doesn’t mean it will ever be of any use to you. So why do we teach that we must always cling to what we have learned?
We are locked into thinking that all of our experiences are guiding influences. They are not. They are just a bunch of tools we have. Sometimes, our lives grow in ways in which we need a different set of tools then what we have used for years. Like changing from working on American cars to Foreign Cars, the measurements are different – the principles are similar, but how you use a tool and which tool can be used has to change or you will cause nothing but suffering in your life.
Now…I go on. It was an odd thing to have someone say to me that what I have been searching for these past 20 or so years has come to pass and to ask what it is that comes next. That is all. No fanfare. No “YAY! You Did It! You Should Be Proud Of Yourself!” Just a quiet – obviously you have found what you were looking for and what you were looking for has been a huge part of your identity. So what comes after the end?
What comes after the end?
Do you want to know something funny?
I didn’t even have to think to give her the answer.
c.2012. Cassandra Tribe. All Rights Reserved.