hell

I just couldn’t get started yesterday. It wasn’t until after 7pm that I even felt slightly awake and then, by the time I got home and ate, I was tired again and off to bed. I realize now there was a measure of being irritated over some things that played a role in my not “waking up” all day.

So, this morning, MK woke me up and I looked at the clock and it said ’12:36,’ and I started to grouse about her waking me up in the middle of the night until I checked the clock again and realized I had hit the time zone button and was looking at California time. I got up, ready to enjoy my day and spent about two hours getting irritated by several things that when I slowed down and took a breath, realized I could do something about so they wouldn’t happen again.

When you go through a period of change in your life, especially one that deals with habits, patterns and how you relate to other people; or, perhaps if it was a set of circumstances that brought about the change in those areas – one of the hardest parts of the change is not your getting used to the new way, but getting other people used to it. We forget that as much as we form habits for ourselves, we train other people in how they can interact with us. Every time you seek a change in your life, you also have to engage in the process of “re-training” the people you relate to.

Which is not always easy. Because often, to meet the change in you requires that they change themselves and that might not be something written in their day planner.

Total sidetrack.

My checkers game last night turned into a pile of dominos on the table that were never touched. The conversation was too interesting. At the end of the evening, I got a gift. An enormous coffee mug – in the shape of a toilet. I just about died laughing.

And I am back on the Buraco tomorrow. The game fell apart over the holidays and January. Now, with the warm weather, we are jumping around and excited to get back to it.

I think…I think there are some ways in which we change that allow for things to stay the same in our relationships. And then there are some changes in which there is a period where we wait, we wait for those close to us to recognize and meet the change or, we find that we have to change the nature of the relationship. People we were once close to become distant. Acquaintances become closer as we discover that we have more things in common then we had before.

It is hardest with intimate relationships. But, then again, there is a lot of social pressure for intimate relationships to remain absolutely unchanging – which is an unrealistic expectation.

There is this fruit bar thing that has been around for a small bit called ‘The Contract.” With ‘the Contract’ you are supposed to sit down in the very beginning of a relationship, when everything is rosy and sunny, and detail out why you are attracted to the person and why the relationship is so wonderful. Then, as the relationship ages, when you hit problems, you are suppose to return to this contract to remind yourselves of all the wonderful things that drew the two of you together and return the relationship to that point.

Now, as spastically fun and overwhelmingly magical the beginning of a relationship is (and the first year – and if it isn’t, you need to go, there is such a thing as too much work in a relationship that is too new; but that is a different post), the reality is that the two of you do not know each other. And, as you get to know each other change occurs. Not to mention, hopefully, you are continuing to grow and change as a person in your own right.

To try and resolve relationship issues by returning to the beginning ideals that were formed in ignorance is…like…rather than fix your 1-year old car that just got dented you choose to paste a picture of what it looked like new over the dent to hide it. Mind you, something like the contract would work well in a relationship that lacks emotional intimacy and trust because it treats the relationship like a business relationship that is defined by a contract with expectations, conditions and limits. Think about it, there is a reason why we are taught to keep our personal lives and emotions out of the workplace, because we have a clearly defined role within the business in which personal change and growth is not encouraged (or we may no longer fit the role).

Good relationships should always be in a state of moving forward and evolving. They need to be able to hold the changes of both people and to hold them while each evolves, hopefully, to meet the change in the other.

That is one of the main reasons that Love is defined as a choice, a decision and a promise; rather than an emotion that we have no control over. We may have little say over our infatuations and crushes; but we do choose who we Love. And as change occurs, that Love must always be redecided.

Unconditional love is very different from intimate love. Unconditional love is the love of all, it is universal. One cannot give only certain people unconditional love or that “unconditional love” is a sham. For how can you offer to one person something unconditional if it is not all reaching? Because if you do, at some point you may face a change in the person that makes them “un-like themselves.” What most people think is unconditional love is actually very conditional, the conditions are just very hidden.

Even with our children, it is not unconditional love that we offer them, but a very defined love; it can be without conditions but it is only there because they are our children.

To love unconditionally is to love all without boundaries. It should be a part of all other loves because our lovers and wives and husbands and children are a part of humanity.

But it is different then the love that is focused on a person or a child. True unconditional love is incapable of the intimacy that is needed to form a specific relationship to an individual.  That is not a bad thing, to be able to love unconditionally is wonderful but it is love with conditions that allows us to create the safety, the warmth, the passion of an intimate relationship.

I have now totally sidetracked myself. The birds are beginning to sing. The coffee is kicking in, time to move forward into the day.

hell

Hell is the house
Love moved out of
when she wanted better things.

It wasn’t
that she didn’t have
everything she could need
within those four walls.
She was just
lacking
any air to breathe.

And in the days
before she thought
that maybe moving in had been a mistake,
she would sit
in the window,
looking at the world outside,
and count all the blessings
that being in Hell made.

There was
warmth,
and shelter,
company
and a kind of
passionless grace.

Within the walls of Hell
there was no fear
of a lonely, old age.

And yes,
there was a kind of affection there.
Only the kind you might share
with the things you find familiar
but really,
not necessary
to your being there.

Now,
Love had always been
a reader.
You could find her
squirreled away
at any given moment,
reading
any given thing,
and the words she thought of now,
pained her with their memory.

That the imagining of pleasure or pain,
affects the dreamer,
as much as the dreamed.
And every endeavor
that begs to be undertaken –
demands payment.

And Love,
in her rising lament,
was beginning to rage
at the way her life
seemed to be
misspent.

But still,
the promise of Hell
is a powerful thing,
and Love
would force herself to think
that what she was doing
was a needful thing
and try even harder to forget her dreams
and learn how to live
in the midst of hellish things.

And when Hell would say,
‘Since I met you
I feel complete,
and isn’t it wonderful
how almost nothing
about my life
has changed?’

Love would ignore
her thought,
that there is something wrong,
in being able
to say,
something like that.

And tuck her head down,
and move her feet faster on the wheel,
trying to speed the end of the day

But time has a habit
of sneaking in and showing you
old movie reels
of where you have been,
and what hope
once carried you.

And Love finally
could not ignore what she felt,
that when she was away from Hell’s walls
she was alive again.

When she caught herself
imagining
a life that was beautiful
and full of passion,
the only way she could see that would happen,
would be to meet and have
a secret affair –
she finally realized,
she had no home
with Hell here.

And decided,
she wanted,
better
things.

So she moved
from out of the palace walls,
leaving behind the riches
and worships,
and the promise of never being alone.

And walked down the road,
past where the pavement ends,
and followed the path,
that led into the forest,
that was filled
with
the songs,
of a thousand
souls.

c.2011 Cassandra Tribe. All rights reserved.

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About cassandratribe

"There are few artists that can do what Cassandra Tribe does. Whether with her poetry, her videos or her blog, Cassandra examines the truths that most of us can never come close to realizing and shows it for what it is, both beautiful and frightening at the same time. She exposes our inner-most workings like the cross-section of a powerful but flawed machine, our gears and springs, nuts and bolts removed and laid out before us. She is a true artist. Her new video, Requiem for a God, is the latest example of Cassandra's willingness to tear open and examine the very things that make us human. Shooting the film entirely by herself, she also eliminates all the little excuses we come up with to keep us from ourselves and our truth. You see, even when she's not trying to be, Cassandra Tribe is a beacon of truth and humanity in this darkest of worlds." (Michael E. Quigg, The Culture Network, June 2009)
This entry was posted in change, creative, life, love, marriage, relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

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