the rules

(this is a review of the rules and guidelines for living with the mad kitten)

1. The day begins as soon as eye contact is made. Eye contact can consist of a slight opening of the eyelid or any movement of the eyelid past the hour of 3am (4:30 on holidays and weekends). A gentle patting of the face and loud purr will be encouragement to get up, if this fails, a swift chomp on the neck or septum is then applied.

2. Breakfast is to be promptly served. Not eaten, but served. Please do not stand as to block the line of vision to the bowl or the process will have to be repeated (MK stays in the bed or rarely, comes and sits beside the bowl).

3. All accessible door, flaps, drawers etc. are to be opened slightly (just after serving breakfast) to allow for the maximum of running, pulling, jumping and hiding that will occur for a 30 minute period after waking. Please sit in a chair out of the main path to avoid injury.

4. Water – all water in sports bottles is to be shared while it is still in the bottle. Please pick up cat, turn cat on back, hold like baby and tip the bottle just far enough to fill the neck with water and hold while she drinks. Failure to do so may result in accident as she will grab the bottle out of your hands.

Large 1 gallon jugs of water are to be kept at least half full at all times and without caps. This allows for wrestling with the jug, sticking paws in the jug, but prevents knocking over the jug. Knocking over the jug is reserved for communicating displeasure or boredom. Any caps, screw-type or otherwise, will be promptly removed by MK.

5. People food – please keep people food with people with the exception of ham, which should be diced or shredded into bite size amounts and, preferably, in bed. All gravy or sauce types things should be presented for tasting for safety purposes.

6. Cat litter – clean promptly or MK will clean the box for you. Please make sure the corners of the box have the greatest amount of litter as the preferred method of using the box is to stand vertically while doing #2 which also brings up the point that the box should always be near a wall or other support surface to allow for standing to occur.

7. Keep all delicate and/or important/dangerous items away from edges of counters or desks. MK will stand on her hind legs, hold onto the the edge with one paw and pat the surface with the other, blindly grabbing and flipping things off when bored.

Also, keep all coffee tea cups out of reach when she is in your lap as she will begin to touch and pull anything in reach while reclining.

8. Shake out all shoes before putting them on. Coins, toys and other objects are regularly stuffed in shoes in the middle of the night.

9. Keep all spare change in a jar. As of this writing, she has not figured out how to get coins out of a jar but can pick a coin up from a flat surface (and then stuff in shoe).

10. If MK is upset or ticked off, do not leave house keys out. They will be taken.

11. Clothing – when removing outerwear, please put the wool jacket backwards on the writing desk chair back and the good winter coat on top of the seat. When leaving the house for an extended period of time lay one leather jacket on the bed, lining side up. Do not remove socks unless in bed. After visiting other households, remove all clothing and lay them on the floor for inspection.

12. Non-food items – all non-food items, whether new or newly being used are to be presented for inspection or item may be grabbed.

13. Naps – mid day naps are preferred, the nap signal is the standing cat, the cat may stand on the lap top, in the middle of the door way,  if the standing signal is not detected, cat will crawl to lap and proceed to bite and kick hands and then progress to biting chin and neck until a horizontal position is acquired.

14. Sleeping position – begin on left side with left arm folded so it comes out from the shoulder at a 90 degree angle at least to the elbow, forearm is unimportant. Cover cat with blanket and lay other arm over cat. If it has been a difficult day – hold feet (not sure why but holding her feet is like a narcotic and she is out like a light). Movement during sleep, changing of position is allowed HOWEVER the left arm, from shoulder to elbow must remain in its original position at all times or displeasure will be communicated.

15. Displeasure – is rarely communicated with claws and teeth. However, signs of displeasure include: rocking a water jug back and forth, picking up dishes by their edge and dropping them (repeatedly), waiting for eye contact and pushing things off the edge or over, taking of important items, emptying of litter box onto floor,

16. Entering or leaving the house is always to include a ritual of greeting. If cat is lying down, please stroke, kiss and verbally explain. If cat is standing, cat will come and stand up and dig claws into upper thigh while leaning entire body against leg – this is the clue to grab cat’s head and crush it into thigh and rub it back and forth (avg time of act – 30 seconds).

17. If 8 hours or more have been spent away from home, a balance of 10 hours (awake) must be spent at home or displeasure will occur.

18. Youtube  – when watching cat videos on youtube, sit MK upright in lap, make video full screen and turn off sound. Do not touch MK. She will watch videos for approximately 20 minutes. Do not show the one of the cat and the ceiling fan ever again.

19. Cold – should she go outside or into the filming studio pick up cat on return and hold for 5 minutes or until paws are warmed or she will poke at back until picked up.

20. Sitting – please sit at the desk, slightly bent forward, with head near the top shelf over the desk area. This allows access to the upper shelves through climbing up and down back and using head as a step. Not assuming this position at the appropriate time will result in cat sitting on back of chair and biting head.

notes:

schedule: wake – run – nap – eat – nap – snack – combined nap – eat – nap – run around- snack – busyness – eat – bedtime

periodic picking up and bouncing in the air while holding MK on her back is recommended.

when using the flea comb, hold at an angle near head and let her brush her self

when in doubt, hold feet

preferred lap position, on back

preferred toy – me or small stuffed mice, larger stuffed toys are “personal play items” do not touch them

treat ball – keep all three filled on a regular basis, DO NOT let them run out unless first aid is available

c.2010 Cassandra Tribe. All Rights Reserved.

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About cassandratribe

"There are few artists that can do what Cassandra Tribe does. Whether with her poetry, her videos or her blog, Cassandra examines the truths that most of us can never come close to realizing and shows it for what it is, both beautiful and frightening at the same time. She exposes our inner-most workings like the cross-section of a powerful but flawed machine, our gears and springs, nuts and bolts removed and laid out before us. She is a true artist. Her new video, Requiem for a God, is the latest example of Cassandra's willingness to tear open and examine the very things that make us human. Shooting the film entirely by herself, she also eliminates all the little excuses we come up with to keep us from ourselves and our truth. You see, even when she's not trying to be, Cassandra Tribe is a beacon of truth and humanity in this darkest of worlds." (Michael E. Quigg, The Culture Network, June 2009)
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