Some days can seem so long it is like they have their own week in them. I am on Tuesday of today now.
Which meant I pulled a Monday this morning and since Monday’s are usually my day off, I goofed around.
But here I am, having coffee and realizing it is Tuesday morning on the beginning of this Friday afternoon.
A part of the reason that it feels like this is I woke up this morning and looked at my schedule and realized that I have successfully gotten through some things and gotten them done and my days now will be a little less overwhelmed. At least until January. Then ridiculous things happen.
And back in the Monday evening of my Friday I took out my journal and wrote in it, for the first time in almost a month. Its funny because journalling has typically been something I have done everyday, in the morning etc and so forth and in all the “new diet” and rearranging of things I threw that habit out the window.
Because I looked at the role it played in my life and realized that the time I was spending journalling and getting into the space for journalling I could be using to write on the things I would be journalling about wishing I was doing. Back to the idea of words as food, the old idea but here is the plug again (http://wordsintofood.com), what I was doing was using the journal to reinforce a kind of lifestyle in which it was okay that I was not doing the things I desired to do because I would be examining all the issues surrounding them. When I went back a month later, I wrote a much different kind of journal entry, it was a more in depth look at the nature of things in my life and how I use them to effect my ability to do or not do. I do not plan on making another entry or another month, but I am able to take what I learned from that entry and am applying it outward.
One of the subtle habits that people acquire is building foundations of justification, rationalization and history that support their habits, beliefs and fears without ever being conscious of the way that those things are supported by the life one builds around or under them. If one makes an entire life out of crying out at the injustice of violence and gives time in being a part of the responses/help support system to victims of violence (of any kind, pick one, this is an example) one never is really encouraged to ask themselves the question of “why is this so important to do? What in your own experience does it reflect and what are you hoping to heal within yourself?”
Because helping is about healing, not just the person’s in the current throes, but also, the history within oneself. If it is done without self-awareness and I mean the kind that bleeds not a distant, intellectual awareness; ten to one, you will wind up contributing to sustaining the problem rather then helping be a part of its end. Why? If you are not aware of what is within you that is seeking to be healed, it will not be healed. But it is relieved when you are able to respond or be involved in that kind of helping/healing, if that were to go away, how would you give yourself relief?
Becoming aware of who you are also means becoming aware of what it is you fear, because often, we will do anything to protect ourselves from that imagined pain, even choosing to place ourselves in the path of a different kind of harm – but that different harm does not have the “bogey-man” quality in our dreams as the one associated with our fears. That is the nature of being self-defeating; it is a subtle choice of avoidance of pain, even if the choice involves inviting a different pain, it is considered preferable to the one that is so deeply feared.
Most of our modern culture is based in patterns of being self-defeating. We do not address our realities and with minimal knowledge of them, act, speak, choose and make our understandings of the world in ways that protect ourselves from facing who we are. Because if you face who you are, you are then responsible for your life. There is nothing that can be done to you that you do not have the power of choice of response to, even if the reaction of that response is only in your head.
Most of our focus is on shoring up our beliefs that allow us to preserve our histories (emotional, mental and community) rather than seeking understanding that requires us to constantly challenge our choices and our beliefs about ourselves and the world. Choice is no longer equated with action, but a kind of passivity that is deeply disturbing.
I am finding the brouhaha over Bristol Palin rather funny and telling. She remains on the show because the people for whom she is an icon for – vote. End of story. The people who think she can’t dance, don’t. That is how the show works. That is how the next presidential election will work. Think about it.
c.2010 Cassandra Tribe. All Rights Reserved.