out of the tunnel

the world has been very kind to me this week, I have alternately been sick, lost my mind, made myself sick in new and different ways (as if the bout with that cold/flu wasn’t satisfying enough) had my life descended upon by several people, some of who I know and it was fine and some of whom…literally…came from curiousity…

and came out of it all holding two books in my hand

you know the kind that surface right when you read them and as soon as you open the pages you realize “this is important to me” and you read them cover to cover.

So I had no sleep last night, but finished one and am well into the other.

The first (and I am keeping the title private as it is a bit self-revealing, when I have gotten further I will talk about it more directly) – explained my adult life to me. I mean, like someone took pictures from my photo album and used them to illustrate the pages.

I had a bout of panic as I started to recognize myself in the pages and immediately jumped to the back and thank god, there it was, the last chapter on how to resolve the dilemna. It is actual easy, just going to take a hell of a lot of practice.

The second book is called “A Language Older than Words” and it is a harrowing read. It is technically a memoir of a man’s survival and recovery from an extremely abusive childhood. But in the telling he reveals and postulates a cure for the culture of denial we have developed. And let me tell you, more harrowing then reading of his life is seeing the recognition of myself in some denial patterns. And not “denial” in the way we are used to bandying it around, but an absolute erasure of awareness of self. One that he brutally points out that we achieve through consciousness-raising, political and religious beliefs and education.

All this has left me tired…but content in the oddest way. I have struggled with certain patterns and cycles in my adult life that have literally left me baffled as to why no change seems to stick or occur when it comes to trying to resolve them. And suddenly, I have a very calm and centered explanation that fits. But best of all, leaves me with a direct path to take.

Its like…somehow, in all the struggle and mess of the past few months, I managed for once to stick it out long enough to see the small pearl in the shell rather than just keep opening more in hopes there would be one, large and unavoidably seen one.

Maybe that will become a companion piece of “Ugly Diamonds.” I could call it “The Beautiful Pearl.”

c.2010 Cassandra Tribe. All Rights Reserved.

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About cassandratribe

"There are few artists that can do what Cassandra Tribe does. Whether with her poetry, her videos or her blog, Cassandra examines the truths that most of us can never come close to realizing and shows it for what it is, both beautiful and frightening at the same time. She exposes our inner-most workings like the cross-section of a powerful but flawed machine, our gears and springs, nuts and bolts removed and laid out before us. She is a true artist. Her new video, Requiem for a God, is the latest example of Cassandra's willingness to tear open and examine the very things that make us human. Shooting the film entirely by herself, she also eliminates all the little excuses we come up with to keep us from ourselves and our truth. You see, even when she's not trying to be, Cassandra Tribe is a beacon of truth and humanity in this darkest of worlds." (Michael E. Quigg, The Culture Network, June 2009)
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