background – this is week five of my 20 weeks of changing my diet, I am also well into week 2 of using those hypno mp3s.
Now, background again, me and relation/hypnotherapy things have never gotten along well. Too much drama and trauma in my life, the majority of which has been safely tucked away and only dealt with in dribs and drabs so when it came time for some well intention person to sit me down and tell me to close my eyes and imagine I was at a beach the result was panic and high stress. It happens.
So my taking a stab at it this time was a very iffy thing. I knew what to look out for (as far as reactions) and did my research, and then started doing them. Half way through last week I started looking up how you did it and available scripts to make your own because I started getting a better sense of what I really needed to be focusing on and didn’t have the moola to pay someone to whip up a custom recording. I combined that with all my knowledge of biaural recordings and found some backing tracks for the script I came up with and recorded it.
And I started to listen and let me tell you, at first I thought I was going to have to shut down the whole process. Talk about having stuff stirred up and smeared on the walls. But, the balance of the “diet” told me to stick it out for 3 more days and then stop if nothing changed.
When I would listen and do all the things I am suppose to do (relax) nothing really happened. My mind would wander. I would be too aware of the phrases. Etc and so forth.
Then I readjusted the one I made yesterday, changed the damn kind of prompting movement they had you do (which I thought was weird in the first place) and set them up to do the series (once a day for four weeks straight) and I lay there going “oh this is just not working plus I am feeling extra miserable and depressed” and WHAM! I was out like a light.
Out like a light and then I woke up as the sound of my voice had me walking up the staircase to consciousness and I felt…good and relaxed and just damn fine. Finer then I have in weeks, months actually.
So I set them up again last night, actually this morning. I fell asleep and woke up way too early and I put them on repeat on the player and my mind wandered a bit and then WHAM! out like a light and dreaming. Deep rich, overly and obviously symbolic dreams but beautiful ones. In most of the dreams I was at a sort of garage sale where I grew up and everything (and I mean everything) that I have ever had or known in my life was laid out on tables. And the people running it were letting me go through and take anything that I needed for free “because they knew I had use for it now.” And the things that were there, small items I had forgotten all about. But after hours, convinced I had taken way too much, I turned around and saw realistically that it was quite a small and manageable pile.
But in the middle of it there was a table of unlit candles that had nothing to do with my life and I was looking at them. And it occurred to me that so many people have been kind to me that I wanted to buy one so I could give it to them as a gift. The candles were in the shape of all these gods and goddesses and saints from a million different religions. I didn’t touch them, just marvelled at how incredibly delicate and detailed and coloured they were. And then I realized that I really didn’t have any money to buy a candle for anybody so I walked away to go tell the people I was leaving. And as I was talking to them, gesturing with my hands, I realized I was holding the candle of the dancing Ganesh. I had no memory of picking it up at all and yet there it was and the people simply gave it to me. I thought in my head of this one person I wanted to give it to and then realized that although they would say they would light it, they never would and would keep it as an object instead, and I remember thinking how very important it was that candles be lit.
I woke up this morning feeling….happy. It has been so long since I have felt so freely happy that immediately I suspected something was wrong with me and then I realized that it is just simple happieness. I am happy to be alive. Happy to have ideas about things to do. Happy to see ways of doing them.
I wonder why I always seem to dream of Ganesh. I mean, I didn’t even have him in my vocabulary till I started dreaming about him (although I know I had seen the images)
I watched “The Last Station” last night, the recent movie on the last months of Tolstoy’s life with Helen Mirren and Christopher Plummer. Just a really excellent movie. Actually, a really incredible romance movie. It has moved to the forefront of my favourite list.
Now, off to my day.
c.2010 Cassandra Tribe. All Rights Reserved.