the quality of darkness

Today I have been having issues with my underwear.

I am serious.

I don’t know why (well, maybe) but my underwear has had a mind of its own. Part of it was taking a nice bike ride with a growing friend and trying to beat the heat but my underwear deciding that it was hot and sweaty and refusing to behave in the public restroom (I rag on people all the time for taking a long time in the bathroom so it is particularly painful for me when I am hung up in the stall). Part of it was walking down the street later and realizing that while myself and my pants were going up the hill, my underwear was trying to the other direction.

Now…

it is not old underwear. These are the “good ones” you know the comfy ones you kind of saaaaaaaavvvvvveeeee so all the elastic and stuff is still in good condition, it’s just that today, we were….not speaking different languages but looking at different maps.

Not as bad tho’ as the days when the underwear wants UP or is deciding to entertain itself by playing “round the world.”  I blame Jamesc BoydJr (One Sapien) for this. I think in his asking during the course of some emails this week if my pants still fit from all the biking I have been doing gave permission to my drawers to go seek the beyond.

Some days it just seems like everything has a life of its own.

My socks, however, have become rather needy. Clingy, in fact. I am starting to think that they are experiencing separation anxiety as the cold weather approaches and they know they will be cast aside for bigger and thicker models.

I was struck….caught off guard this morning, while sitting and hashing out my calendar for the next month by two things. One, I do a hell of a lot for a person who gets paid very little. I keep saying that is changing but truth be told, I have just given up on that. A lot of what I am involved with, even as it grows, there is no money in it. As long as I can iron out a few bread and butter things life will be good but a lot of what I have coming up….well….let’s just say that Gloria Steinem was write when she said “look at your checkbook to know what you believe in.” I seem to believe in the minimal of comforts.

That is not true really and I want to clear that up because it has surfaced over the past few weeks.

I think it is fair to say that everyone sane likes to be provided for, to not worry about the basics of security (food, shelter, safety) and like their odd luxuries. I am absolutely no different. However, there comes a time (many times) in which one is confronted by the choice of working towards what has meaning for you  and the sometimes co-existing act of a loss in level of security. It is a hard thing to give up security or, to learn to accept that security can be defined by much less than what you thought it could be or, to learn to accept that there are times that you live without security and that, is also okay.

To choose to live without meaning, to choose to sacrifice a portion of meaning for security to me, is what is….a situation of suffering that can be borne by few. Most who do that enter into a sort of intense gymnastic program of rationalization and denial that allows carries with it outward symptoms: physical illness, emotional or mental disturbances, a deep and profound sense of being alone or of being worthless. A loss of self-esteem.

To choose to do it, well, for a time you get by on rationalization and a sense of pride in your choice and then as things progress you either throw in the towel or, you learn to do. Just to do, to keep going and the conversations you would rather have are not about the meaning and purpose you are pursuing (that is evidenced in your actions and can be seen by all) but you would like to talk about “are you going to eat all of that or can I take it home?”

I am at a crossroads now…that is not true…I was at a crossroad and I took a turn. A turn in which I accept that theory and discussion are secondary to what I am doing. They are…for me, for conversations over food. There are others whose turns take them into theory and discussion and not direct action and that is a needful thing. But not where my specific talents work best. I can do it well but…there went that little option for security too 🙂

The other thing I noticed, in turning this corner et al, is that while I have been under the impression that I have not been writing, I have been writing more then ever in my life. Just…what I do with it is becoming different. Different no, just it has grown into its own thing which was different from what it was before. And in its growing into its own thing it has turned around and made friends with what I know as writing.

Strange this.

Hot now, cold front tomorrow.

Canasta tomorrow.

I just got the call I have to come hours early to learn the rules and to be fed.

Strange too how people have gained this new habit in the past week or so of feeding me.It has been something that has been mentioned for months and suddenly…it is a reality which is helping greatly keep me going and doing what I am doing.

Which I should mention, I just bumped up against the reality that one of the intense certifications I am pursuing (and paying for) has the ethical guideline that one is not to charge for the service at all. Which I find funny and, somehow right.

c.2010 Cassandra Tribe. All Rights Reserved.

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About cassandratribe

"There are few artists that can do what Cassandra Tribe does. Whether with her poetry, her videos or her blog, Cassandra examines the truths that most of us can never come close to realizing and shows it for what it is, both beautiful and frightening at the same time. She exposes our inner-most workings like the cross-section of a powerful but flawed machine, our gears and springs, nuts and bolts removed and laid out before us. She is a true artist. Her new video, Requiem for a God, is the latest example of Cassandra's willingness to tear open and examine the very things that make us human. Shooting the film entirely by herself, she also eliminates all the little excuses we come up with to keep us from ourselves and our truth. You see, even when she's not trying to be, Cassandra Tribe is a beacon of truth and humanity in this darkest of worlds." (Michael E. Quigg, The Culture Network, June 2009)
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