I must have opened the blog five times yesterday but could not get it together to say anything. I was unbelievably tired. Kept speed napping but to no avail.
Today is a better day. Today I have decided it is going to be a drama free day, not my drama nor anybody else’s for that matter. Just a simple day full of the normal things. There is work to be done and not enough time to do it all; things to be done and not enough time to do it all and so on and it is no big deal.
The Mad Kitten is playing at my feet – sort of. It has come to my attention that all of the cat crack she has been consuming has created a cat with absolutely no body shape. She is happy as a clam but…shall we say, rather large. I need to work on that, wean her off the whiskas and start chasing her around the yard or something.
It’s funny how you don’t really realize how stressed out you are about something until you get to that point where you make a decision and turn in a definate direction. Then it is like this epiphany and you realize just how worried you have been. I have finally made plans for how I am going to be spending the winter, its odd. There are a bunch of things going on around me right now that I haven’t been talking about because they are so in the embryo stage, good things, but it has set up a real contrast in my life between where I am now and where I am going. For a little but I just sort of froze, the sort of promise of what can be making me so dissatisfied with the way things are. Not dissatisfied but, let me touch the frustration and worry and stress I live under but try not to acknowledge too much. It happens when suddenly someone holds out a promise of “different, better, easier” and it is easy to fall under that sway of the promise and forget that no matter what may look like it is going to happen – you are still in the same place and need to deal with that reality.
So here I am, in this odd position and trying to navigate my way through the next few months.
I have been working on the shooting script for the Executioner and it is really, really interesting how – taking the time to really engage in the planning – is revealing to me what exactly it is that I do when I make these videos. Its half frustrating and half exciting to understand something that I have been doing intuitively and see that from that understanding, if I can do it consciously now – where I will break into that intuitive space will be so much further down the road.
But my god it is annoying and frustrating. It like…at the point I am now with the Song is where I broke and got all intuitive and inspired with the Requiem. So without it leaving paper it has passed the Requiem, but I haven’t quite found that key yet that will make it its own thing – but, I understand completely now what the key is. So I am falling back and working on figuring out all of those things that – comprise the frame of the door, then I have to figure out what the door is made from, and the lock so when I get to the key – the key opens the door and something surprising and unknown will lie on the other side.
I really, really just want to sit and write for a bit but not quite yet; I am still building on Plan B. Things are getting slightly easier, but are just not there yet.
c.2010 Cassandra Tribe. All Rights Reserved.